And I know that sounds horrible; but good God people are a hell of a lot of work. Half the time I just can’t be bothered to deal with it.
And I don’t agree in people being horrible behind each others backs and then still being able to call them a friend at the end of it. Hypocrites.
Work is actually killing me at the moment. I hate starting at 2 every day, because it just means that I can’t do anything in the morning, and when I come home at night I’m too bloody exhausted to do anything.
My social life is now non-existent and my sleeping problems are still massively problematic even though I have pills. Fuck saaaaaaaaaaaaaaake.
When I came home I thought “YES, I’M TIRED, MAYBE I CAN SLEEP TONIGHT”
But I’ve just been hit by a burst of energy, and now I have the urge to tidy my room.
Woke up, got ready for work; despite the fact that I didn’t get home until 4am this morning.Started walking to work, witnessed a motorcycle accident and literally saw the bloke smash through the car window and go flying.Had a panic attack. Phoned into work and said I was going to be late.Mum came and picked me up because I couldn’t move.Got chocolate and cigarettes bought for me to calm me down.Went to my mums work and she made me a really sugary cup of tea.Went to work.Work were arseholes, as usual.Came home, slept for a couple of hours, woke up, started watching the 25th Anniversary of The Phantom of the Opera.Mum bought me tickets to see The Phantom of the Opera.
So many emotions in one day.
I’m feeling so cheerful tonight.
I wonder if karma will ever stop being a bitch. Even though I haven’t done anything wrong.
So I wonder if life will ever stop being as much of a bitch. I mean seriously. I have like 4 people in my family who don’t actually despise me. I can’t understand how that’s fair.
I’m not even that bothered about “seeing” people. But as soon as it gets any further than that I panic. Not so good. I kind of fancy actually trying to have a relationship with someone for longer than 2 weeks though. It’s just getting embarrassing that I can’t hold down a boyfriend for longer than that. I get bored far too easily.
My last night in Southampton for 4 months, is being spent in a house with 2 Bulgarians who are extremely annoyed with me because I’m taking the internet home with me tomorrow. (I’ve had things like “But I have an exam on Monday, can’t we just send it to you when we go home?” No, I offered to change it into their name, and they chose not to. Therefore I am taking it with me)
I had such a lovely day, despite the fact I spent it alone. I went and sat by the docks, and watched all the ships coming in, and the Red Eagle was in at Red Funnel and I got all pissed off at it, and now have a hatred for it.
I got such a nice tan, all over my arms, my legs, my face, my feet - which also have nice, white, little plaster marks; but not my chest… which is a lovely shade of pink, with a white “S” stamped into it thanks to my necklace. Now I have a semi-permanent reminder of being a slut. It’s kind of like the Scarlet Letter, but the other way round…
I’m pretty sure that all of my friends could sit there and get high, and I could have a can of Monster and I’d pretty much be on the same level as them.
Good God, this stuff is good. I might just stop drinking alcohol and just spend a whole night drinking Monster. I could then keep my record of one hangover in my whole entire life. It sounds beautiful.
My phone is staying off, a whole weekend without it. Mmmm.
I’m going to go and watch The Help, and get all upset how I’m not Emma Stone.
And then watch Friends With Benefits and get all moody about how I’m not Mila Kunis.
to learn to like myself.
I’m so sick of feeling horrible, just because I hate the way that I look and the person that I am. It’s a really disgusting and disheartening feeling to go out and feel like the ugliest, or the fattest person in the club. I spend so much time worrying about how other people see me, but pretending that I don’t care. Especially when I’m so hung up about everything. As well as that, every time I get too drunk at the moment I just end up in an absolute state over it, and it’s not really needed. I want to have fun all night, not for a little bit and then panic over what every one else thinks, because I know deep down that a lot of them don’t even think it.
When I come back to uni next year, I don’t want to panic about everything, and I don’t want to be a miserable cow when I get in my low days. The only person who is going to get me through whatever this is, is me. A lot of the time people think I’m exaggerating how much I actually dislike myself, but I need to stop it now.
And this is just a general thought. I’ll probably delete it soon, but I feel like if I write it down now, I’m more inclined to do it (even if that doesn’t make sense).
I need to start my sports up again, stop getting upset about everything I eat, and finally try to make myself a happier person.
I’m 20 now, and I need to stop child and teenage hang-ups from ruining my friendships, my potential careers and general life.